In My Own World

In just a few hours, 2022 is about to end. Thanks, God.  To me, this year hasn't been so easy to deal with. I thought that last year was the most number of times that I cried. Then 2022 came. It's like a deja vu of how my years were back in 2013-2016. Those were the years when I was at my lowest. When waking up every morning felt like it's already going to be a bad day, even though nothing happened yet. I don't know how many times I cried in the shower, or before going to sleep. Just like last year, I told God before going to sleep that it's okay if He won't wake me up the next morning. Cause I've already had enough. I don't think I have a reason to get up anymore. I've completely lost all my will to live. The only thing that excites me is going to bed. Because by then, I can cry my heart out in the silence of the night. No one would know about it. They didn't have to, anyway. I've lost respect to some people. I know I shouldn't, but ever...

When you feel like you're not good at anything, and a certain task is given to you, your first instinct would be to doubt yourself. You would ask yourself if you could do it even if it's just a simple one.  When you feel like you're not good at anything, you would always second guess your capabilities.  When you feel like you're not good at anything, you would just accept the negative things that others say about you even if they're not true. You would accept all the criticisms and whatnots. You would easily believe them when they say, "you can't."  When you feel like you're not good at anything, you would always feel less of a person. Even when other people compliment you, you wouldn't believe them. You wouldn't believe them when they say good things about you. You wouldn't feel like you are good enough, and that you don't deserve any praises. At times you would even belittle yourself.  When you feel like you're not good at any...

Poemsia is a story about Verity Wolf. A teenage girl who had been given the opportunity to somehow achieve one of her dreams in life, but it does not merely focus on that. It also shows many facets like the importance of family, friendship and a significant other. If you happened to read Lang Leav's other novel which is Sad Girls, Poemsia is far different from it. Poemsia is way lighter compared to it.  I loved how this book does not center in a simple love story. I can somehow relate to Verity in terms of whether pursuing her dream or to simply settle with the life that she was accustomed to. Because that's the reality of life, that in order to achieve your dreams you have to be willing to sacrifice something. Sometimes there is a price that you need to pay in order to achieve your lifelong dream. There's this one poem (a personal favorite), also from one of Lang Leav's books which is Love Looks Pretty On You that says,   “Now that you have it all, do you ever wish you...

It's the weekend. A thrill of excitement was all over me. Finally, after more than two years I will be going home. Home i.e., the place where I was born, where I first scraped my knee, the place where I used to play jackstones even before I eat breakfast, where I met my first bestfriend and most importantly where I spent the happiest days of my childhood playing with my cousins. Due to the pandemic I wasn't able to visit the place for two years and two months.  A laid-back kind of place in an island. People living there, especially the elderly, usually wake up before the break of dawn. You will be awaken with the sound of the broom while someone is sweeping their yard so early in the morning. There is no stable water supply, so we need to get water from the water pump. Power interruption also occur every once in a while.  The travel going home usually takes almost two hours from where we are now residing. We left a little past 5:00 in the morning and arrived at almost 7:00. It...

It's hard to convince our self of our worth when the people around us don't see it. Sometimes we base our self-worth from how people treat us. We tend to question our self and our capabilities. The tough part is when we come to a conclusion that perhaps they're right. We are probably worthless, useless and unlovable. When we think that people don't love us, we presume that we lack something. We devalue our self and believe in their impression of us.  When people seem to be taking us for granted, it's already time for us to take a step back. We have to breathe and remind our self that it's okay. In the end, what matters is that we know that we are doing our part. We know that we are exerting our best efforts for them, it's just that they choose to overlook it.  We can't expect other people to value us if we don't value ourselves. We don't find our self-worth from other people. We create it. We have to acknowledge what we are capable of, so that we...

Love is probably one of the (if not the most) powerful words. You can do things you thought you weren't capable of because of love.  People have their own different love language. Some of us are very vocal when it comes to telling the people we love how much we love them. While there are some who are more into action. They occasionally tell the people they love that they love them, they just let their actions speak for them.  People nowadays are so grand in showing their love towards their significant others. They are willing to go the extra mile just to prove their love to their partner. Other people don't like to be showered with material things because what matters to them is the time they spend together.  Sometimes people won't believe you love them until you've done something they thought you could never do. For an instance, there are some girls who hate their partners smoking.  Although when they met, they were already aware that their partner smokes. Then all ...

"I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing" You've probably experienced this kind of feeling at least once in your life, when you are just living because you're still breathing. You definitely experience not wanting to get up every morning because you can't see any point why. How is it possible that your heart feel so totally empty, yet your brain is about to explode because of its fullness.  It's hard to keep your head above water when there's something on your feet that's constantly been dragging you down. It's tough to wait for beautiful things to happen when all you've seen are the worst. You don't want to expect anymore, but you still want to hold on to that tiny hope that you still have. You still want to believe that maybe, just maybe things will work in your favor this time. But what if the things that you've been going through right now, is preparing you for what's coming next in your life? All the sufferings that y...

How do you get over from losing something that you thought would last forever?  It's definitely hard to recover from something that you've lost especially if that something is all you've ever dreamed of. It's typical of us to sit in one corner and be miserable for a while when something that we want just slipped from our grasp in a flash. It's as if when we mope the thing that we lost will work it's way towards us again. Flash news: life doesn't work that way. We can be miserable all we want until when we want, but the thing that we lost won't come back to us anymore. No matter how much effort we put into it or how hard we work if it's really not meant for us we can't do anything, but to accept the fact that they're already gone. John Green once said that, "The world is not a wish-granting factory." If it was, the word "appreciate" wouldn't even be found in the dictionary. Sometimes what we lost wasn't really meant...

New Year's resolution are for the things you want to start or stop doing, something you want to change, or the things you want to do less. It's like making a pact with yourself. We do it for reasons like, it doesn't serve us any good, it's not beneficial, it's unhealthy or simply because we know it's wrong.  Some people are good at keeping up with their New Year's resolution, while there are some who are only able to stay dedicated for at least the first 3 months. Some are only devoted to it before the new year even began, and then stop right after January 1.  So, how can you achieve your New Year's resolution? That at the end of the year, you'll be able to give yourself a pat in the back and proudly say, "Congratulations! We made it, self." Only three things: discipline, motivation and commitment. 1. Discipline.  Discipline is about not crossing the invisible line that you drew. It's having the power to control yourself even when a lot...

Dear 2022, A couple of years ago, I already stopped believing that a new year would change my life. But because of a not so good year to me that was 2021, I started  believing again in the magic of a fresh start and a new beginning. Suddenly I became hopeful again. I hope you won't fail me because I am counting on you. I hope you won't disappoint me. If I'd say that I want you to give my life meaning, would that be too much to ask? I hope not because that's what I want from you. And of course, to always keep my family safe. Please surprise me, but in a good way. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I hope and I pray that you will be the year where some of my biggest dreams will finally come true. Only some of them because I still want to have something to look forward to in the years to come. 😉 I hope that what I want and what God wants for me will align this time.  I am looking forward to experience new adventures. Hopefully, I get to experience new things with yo...